Content Note: Parents’ death (past) and mention of depression
Hello friend – I wrote it for myself today as part of the journal. As soon as I finished writing it, it felt as if the weight had changed. It didn’t get light, but it was easy to carry. I do not know that this will help anyone who faces similar feelings of grief, but in any case, it doesn’t hurt to keep it here.
This morning, I didn’t want to go out of bed. This is not a trivial thing – I am a night’s owl that has insomnia and morning morning.
Once I was upright, I didn’t want to wash my hair, wear clothes, or makeup. Once again, when I work from home, it was not surprisingly uncommon and I had no zoom call on my calendar.
I ate a slow breakfast and then stood on the sofa to finish reading a book that I started last night. It was not particularly riveting, but I didn’t have the energy of anything else.
I had exercised on the calendar today, but my body feels hard, heavy and smart. The last thing I wanted to do was week 4 of the weight training program.
All day, I accused of cheapness, delay and depression – which has recently been more present, but not organized. (No matter to worry, I have professional support for it!)
Then, in view of the piety, I noticed that these days are not due to lack of today. This is April 1st. Today, the 17th anniversary of the most difficult week of my life is being celebrated.
- April 1 is not a day of April for me. Instead, it was the day when my mother was admitted to the hospital.
- It was April 2 when the nurses told me that I probably should not leave the bed because the end was near.
- April 3 was the day when he died, taking me a share with me.
- April 4 was the day I raised the plot and headstone of his funeral, full of remorse that I did not know his wishes and I was ashamed that I could not tolerate more great than that.
- April 5 will always be my birthday, but since she passes it has not felt to celebrate.
- It was April 6 when I went to my first funeral, which happened to the most fruitful person in my life.
- April 7 I have a vacant space in my mind. I do not know what I did or how I felt empty and tired.
I wish I could say that it was less important or burdensome after that time, and it was easy to make it a week. Not really Time has made it possible for me to be more active during the week, but it has not healed all the wounds. Time has also offered the point of view: I have received so much compassion to lose a 50 -year -old mother from my 26 -year -old Young start Parkinson’s disease. I tried my best, and I should maintain this knowledge: When I need it most, it’s a ridiculous way to get away from me.
I will be 43 years this year. My mother was 43 years old when I last recognized her because I grew up with her mother. I went to college, and he divorced my father and went to a different state. After that his brain, body and voice deteriorated rapidly. When she was 46 years old, she was living in the nursing home. I can feel about 43 43 methods at some point, but today I just wanted to admit that it was April 1st.
It may be that it will face this weekend today, which will help me to take advantage of myself a little. This may not happen. In any case, I think it is better than suppressing.
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